How to parent a wild child. (a non-traditional guide).

He’s a wild one. She’s sooo moody. Geez they push my buttons. Yep, we know all about these types they call ‘spirited’ and despite what the boho t-shirts getting around imply, having a wild child can be exhausting, confusing and at times deflating, especially if you’re the parent always feeling like you’re apologising for your kid’s risky behaviour.  

Wacking a daisy crown on them is one thing but what can you really do, not to tame your wild child but to support and uplift them the way they need you to the most? 

Your guide to parenting the wild child starts here… 

1. Understand how your child is built  

As our kids develop, especially in the early years of primary school, they experience major changes such as navigating new social worlds and the demands of school as well as neurological changes that you can’t see. All these things (& more!) are like a pressure cooker for a little human’s emotions and frequently they can burst out in all sorts of difficult, (what might look like) defiant ways that don’t ‘fit’ with what society believes a child should be.  

In these early stages of life, a child’s (close to) raw temperament is largely operating – that is, how they are built; their ‘natural’ way of responding to what and with whom they come into contact. Temperaments can be a combo of the ‘typical’ types, but all revolve around a child’s abilities in three things:  

1. REACTIVITY (how strongly they react, e.g., things they find exciting or not getting what they want) 
2. SELF-REGULATION (how much they can control their behaviour, show feelings, attend and persist at things), and; 
3. SOCIABILITY (how comfortable they are when they meet new people and have new experiences). 

2. Be prepared for some non-traditional parenting 

There is no ‘one size fits all’ for parenting a wild child but there are certain things to consider when you feel the emotional pressure cooker starting to whistle. Ultimately, it starts with you, and changing the lens through which you see your child’s behaviour. Understanding what ‘lies beneath the iceberg’ and what triggers your child to act in a certain way can help to prevent and contain a ‘wildfire’ from happening.  

The Wild Child may look like…

• Strong emotions, strong ideas 
• Stubborn, independent 
• Active, fidgety 
• Passionate 
• Determined; needs to be in control 
• Strong-willed; not easily swayed from their opinion 
• Goes ‘around’ to get what they want 
• Seems to attract more ‘negative’ than ‘positive’ attention; and ‘negative’ descriptions: feral, out of control  
• Seems like they can’t conform to societal ‘norms’ (which btw isn’t always a ‘bad’ thing)  

3. Maintain positivity, empathy, flexibility and wear your armour when out in public! 

Seeing your child through the above, correct lens, combined with your love for them, automatically guides you to interact with them with a more positive slant on your words, a softer glaze over your interpretation of their behaviour and more flexibility in your approach to your parenting.  For example, knowing they have a strong need to feel independent, you can set the expectations (non-negotiable) but build in some choice, e.g., what do we do before bed. You can brush your teeth now or just before bed.  

Knowing that they love to explore, are curious and adventurous, you can let them know where they can and cannot explore and let them go for a bit all the while being prepared for some possible scraped knees. Knowing that they like to be heard, you can ask them on purpose for them to contribute to a conversation that you listen to with interest.  

At times, you might need to be your child’s advocate to their teachers whereby, you don’t make excuses but at the same time try to educate them about the lens through which to view their behaviour. You might need to put up with other parents looking in judgmental ways and perhaps even openly judging, e.g., the mum of a ‘well-behaved’ child asking the mum of a ‘less societally conforming child’ whether she would like her help in parenting! (true story!).  

It will be embarrassing and stressful at times, but maintaining the correct lens, knowing why they are behaving the way they are sometimes, will help.  

Triggers for the wild child can be…

• Feeling misunderstood and labelled accordingly, e.g., ‘defiant’ instead of possessing an inner drive to be ‘independent’; ‘difficult on purpose’ instead of possessing an in-built, strong need to be heard 
• Feeling like their natural need to ‘explore’, be ‘curious’, ‘adventurous’, and ‘learn for themselves’ is stifled. 
• Feeling like they don’t have ‘choice’ in anything 
• Their natural ‘persistence’- aka never-giving-up-at-any-cost quality – regularly receives anger and shut down (when what they are not giving up on is hard to take, e.g., getting what they want) 
• When their opinions are shutdown or not valued, dismissed 
• When they are not allowed to experiment with their environment 
• Being ridiculed for their ‘more-ness’ (aka intensity, tenacity, expressiveness, etc) 

4. Boundaries are still needed 

All kids need boundaries and limits, including our ‘wild children’! Keep them simple, and customised especially for how they operate though (as above). Our suggestion:  

• Work out your values as a family (i.e., what is important to you). Values are important because, like a compass, they give you your parenting direction – where to put in the empathic most concerted efforts. 

• Use your values to set your boundaries/limits – what you are not prepared to negotiate on and therefore (perhaps where you are prepared to ride out behaviours), AND, what you are prepared to be a bit more flexible on (perhaps where you are prepared to be out of your comfort zone).   

• Set the parameters of boundaries with an eye on the aim of having your child cooperate with you as opposed to controlling them and be consistent with this approach. Build in room for them to be able to be as they are built. 🙂 

• Value gathering some strategies that will help you deal with stress, frustration and acceptance so that you can maintain the boundaries, stick to your values and protect your relationship with your gorgeous wild child. 

5. Communicate. Collaborate. Validate. Reflect.  

Okay so we’ve thrown in four bonus steps in one BUT communication and collaboration with your child and their close networks (teachers and carers) are essential first steps in helping to supporting your kid and be their advocate. As a psychologist, I always encourage parents and teachers to connect early before the school year begins. This sets the best foundation for building rapport and will assist a young person to feel more at ease in discussing their behaviours.  

Validation is also an important tool to help your child feel understood. Validation is the concept of acknowledging the challenges they are facing at the time without judgement.  

Reflection is also key, at a time when their emotions are calm, and they can discuss and reflect on their behaviours and what they perceived to be the positives and negatives. Work with them on identifying helpful alternatives.   

Remember… 

• There is no one size fits all.  
• Parenting your wild child starts with YOU.  
• Be positive, flexible, empathetic and armour up 
• AND most of all, remember you are your child’s ally – they NEED YOU to be their advocate.

About Boss Brain. 

Here at Boss Brain, awareness is the foundation of everything we practice, and we want to encourage parents to harness it too. We love tips and tricks but we’re all about teaching you real stuff to change the way families view and work with emotions. If you need some more help, take a look at our 10-week online kids’ program, Boss Brain.  

About Lynn Jenkins

Lynn Jenkins is a Clinical Child Psychologist, mother of 3 and creator of the 10-week digital program Boss Brain. She believes it ‘makes sense to start at the beginning’ when it comes to emotions and behaviour as ‘when we have strong emotional foundations, we can build a strong human foundation’. Together with her team she loves developing Boss Brain and resources for parents to make parenting a little easier and kids a little calmer.   

Editorial by Eliza LeMessurier

Eliza is a mum of 3 and has worked with Lynn on the development of Boss Brain since it was a wee Boss Baby. She has a special interest in using media and technology to access and communicate the human experience. Eliza loves sourcing ideas, writing and editing. She’s passionate about helping parents access mental health and support but through a simple, easy and nourishing way.