A pot of water simmering on the gas stove, low heat, but constant. The heat is turned up and the water boils, a splash escapes the pot and sparks the burner sending a vibrant flame fiercely into the sky. The heat is turned down again, and the low, but constant simmer continues.
No, this is not an article about the science of boiling water nor the art of flame throwing. This article is about anger. Mum-Anger to be exact. An experience like no other. One that can invade and overtake a tired mum bod daily. Most of the time, it simmers, restrained, but sometimes it can escape, bubble over and flame beyond our capacity to manage and cope.
Take this morning in my house for example. I was on my way to the loo and my kid in the shower started yelling for a towel, while my other kid was calling for milk and my partner couldn’t find the car keys. By the time I made it to the toilet, I was desperate to pee. The simmering started. Then, I was about to make some brekky for myself, I pushed the toaster down just as my kids started to argue upstairs. I went to play negotiator, only to arrive back 10 minutes later to find a cold toast waiting for me. I needed something to eat – the simmering turned to boil. Then, I had just stepped out of the shower with a towel around me, when my kid comes in with a school note and accused me of not signing it, ‘like yesterday’. I was late for work – my water bubbled over…
In reality, being a parent means a great deal of sacrifice, interruption and others’ needs being met over our own. From the moment our babes arrive in our arms, we are thrown into this new way of existence, where the needs of everyone else are usually put first, sometimes out of necessity (Ie. My baby needs to be fed) and sometimes, not.
Mum! Where are my school socks?! Mum! Where are my shoes? Mum! I don’t want this for lunch! Mum! I need help. Mum! Mum! Mum!
One study in the National Library of Medicine explored the mum experience soon after birth. It describes mum anger as a ‘process of seeing red’, whereby women feel intense physical sensations in their bodies such as ‘hot’, ’heavy’ or full-bodied experience in which their ‘blood is boiling’ and feeling a sense of built-up emotion that needs to be released. Participants in this study indicated that their anger overtook reason and felt difficult to control and varied in intensity from intense frustration to rage and fury. So, maybe our boiling green water analogy isn‘t too far from the truth?!
At boss brain kids, we like to call this overwhelming experience of mum anger #exaspar-enting. It can come soon after your baby has stopped sleeping for two months or years after sacrificing your morning toast or when you’re scrubbing the shower for the umpteenth time, seething about how your partner should be doing do it instead. #Exaspar-enting, usually comes accompanied with a monologue of negative thoughts and begins as a spark. However, once it starts, it’s not a far stretch to full on flying flame that can become bigger than your perceived capacity to cope.
Exaspar-enting. Def. The feeling of unexpected boiling anger that rises within & bubbles over. Usually reserved for mums, dads & carers.
Looking back as a mum quite a way along the path, the answer is definitely of course! Parenting is a very hard gig. As a Clinical Psychologist I can also tell you, it’s totally normal to feel angry even when it’s an emotion you haven’t seen in yourself before.
Rachel Yoder was quoted in a recent ABC article on mum rage. She writes in her book of her protagonist, she found herself far ashore, treading water in a place she never thought she would be. She also describes being in early motherhood as ‘animalistic’: …she grows coarse hair, pointy teeth and a weird new lump where a tail might be. Ha! It certainly can feel like this!
A contributing factor to the intensity of our anger feelings is that there is an element of motherhood that falls into the basket of fantasy versus reality. The fantasy is our perception formed by things like movies and cute instagram reels BUT it also becomes the context in which we experience the reality. As a result, we create un-realistic benchmarks for our real-life experience living in long-term sacrifice.
Plus, it’s not just being able to pee and eat that is interrupted. Things like career goals get put on hold, life ambitions remain on standby for longer than anticipated, we deal with a changing and stubborn body and often, our relationships take on a new shape. In the public eye, living like this is all in the name of ‘being a mum and having a baby’ and what is considered a ‘normal’ reaction flies out the window for the everyday observer.
Whether this is due to the ‘fake’ benchmark of the ‘fantasy’, our pre-existing beliefs and expectations we bring into the experience of motherhood, or the limitations of judgey-wudgey people around us, we tend to hold ourselves to a higher account.
Let me tell you, it’s OK to have a reaction to these circumstances! It would not be normal if we didn’t!
There are 3 main measures to be aware of. These are frequency, severity and interruption. So, reach out to your GP or a psychologist if:
About Boss Brain.
Here at Boss Brain, we love tips and tricks but we’re all about teaching you real stuff to change the way families view and work with emotions. If you need some more help, take a look at our 10-week online kids’ program.
About Lynn Jenkins
Lynn Jenkins is a Clinical Child Psychologist, mother of 3 and creator of the 10-week digital program Boss Brain. She believes it ‘makes sense to start at the beginning’ when it comes to emotions and behaviour as ‘when we have strong emotional foundations, we can build a strong human foundation’. Together with her team she loves developing Boss Brain and resources for parents to make parenting a little easier and kids a little calmer.
Editorial by Eliza LeMessurier
Eliza is a mum of 3 and has worked with Lynn on the development of Boss Brain since it was a wee Boss Baby. She has a special interest in using tech to access and communicate the human experience. Eliza loves sourcing ideas, writing and editing. She’s passionate about ‘sharing the REAL parent experience without the sugar coating’, and ‘breaking down psych lingo’ so that parents can access education and support like Boss Brain in simple, relatable ways.
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